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| Eh. I have a TS/SCI, so clearly Xanga has no impact on any sort of clearance. ...Or so I hope.
It's crazy to me that I'm letting Mandy come down here, too. But I think we've touched on that. I'm getting more and more anxious as the days speed by, Friday looming in the close future. Will it be awkward? Will it be seamless? Will it be as painful as I expect it will be? Will she even be sober, still? Who knows. I'm sure you'll find out, though. She began working again yesterday- speed texting me to calm her down, which I always do with a simple word.
Melissa comes to me in phrases of how she's so miserable she can't get out of bed, how she just wants to lay there. I've taken the approach of tough love lately- which should come as no surprise because with you, I've never had a filter. Thankfully, my tact has been more present with others. Until recently, I guess. I don't mean it harshly when I tell her to get out of her funk. Not really. I just can't stand when people complain of their self-inflicted misery and don't do a damn thing about it. I just want to grab people by their shoulders sometimes and shake them, want to make them believe and see that LIFE REALLY ISNT BAD. Some days are shitty (do you remember at KSU when i told you to stop cussing so much because it made you sound like an idiot? i take that back, much like you have taken back your distaste of my past highschool alcohol induced adventures), but you have a roof over your head. You have food on your table. You have children who love you, a family who will shed their shirt to offer. You have people fighting for your freedom to be miserable.
I'm careful of how I whine these days, and careful of who hears my petty annoyances. I always make the same statement after: "Oh well, though. It could be way worse." I say these things in the same voice I tell my CoC of my interest in SpecWar, in -EW, in Aircrew. I say these things and pause to ponder them as a first class looks at me with soft eyes and tells me: "Don't be so quick to want to die."
But isn't that what this is about? Isn't it about being willing to make an ultimate sacrifice every time I pull my uniform on, every time I lace my boots?
Shouldn't it be about that?
A gym in Warner Robins called me yesterday, left me a voicemail since I was in the compound. "I've had rave reviews on you and I was just wondering if you would be interested in coming by. I have a position available..."
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| ...and i've been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me...i'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets in silhoutte dreams...as hours move to minutes and minutes to take longer to break, i will desperately be awaiting when my tongue won't fall apart and we've been sitting here for hours alone and in the dark. let me think of how to word it. is it to soon to say perfect?...this much you know: we'll meet again. and i'll have you know, i'm scared to death...
mandy has plans to visit next weekend. i'm not really sure what to think. i fought so hard to erase her from my daily life; she fought so poorly to keep me. but still, i feel like we need to see each other face to face (for the first time in 6 months) just so our last memory isn't the one we have. in planning out where she was saying, she says "friday-forever? :) " jesus.
life here in pensacola is trucking along. i'm dominating class for the most part- aced one of the hardest tests in the course this past week. i find myself alone more often than not- but never lonely. and when i'm surrounded by people, who never call me by my first name, i find myself aching for familiar ground- find myself wanting to rage at watson blvd traffic or complain about how there's absolutely nothing to do. funny how that works. but instead i just grit my teeth and pound out one more mile or add some more weight to my push ups and count down the days to the next adventure.
hey crazy, when you're running, won't you open your eyes? so many people love you. it's no surprise...and you tiptoe across beautiful souls...don't you know? it's years that you stole. and you can't take back all the time that you took. it's not as easy as that, you goddamn crook. you're a thief...you fucked with my heart. you fucked with my mind. you fucked with my soul. you fucked with my time. but you're quick to take a dollar and not leave a dime...you're a soul sucking taker, a dream crashin' promise maker...
every friday we have a uniform inspection. i am certain that you could use my dress shoes to put your contacts in. (clearly that's a proverbial 'you.') i'm not sure when things like this were what made me content.
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| the only year that has been better than 2011 was the last half of 2007 and the beginning of 2008.
here's to one more year of becoming the best i can be. new beginnings, fresh starts. setting the world ablaze, if you will. trying to find the positive in every situation, regardless of how bad it may truly suck. finding new limits, new boundaries. breaking those.
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." -Alan Alda
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| sometimes, i feel like a stranger back in my own hometown.
there are ghosts of my past lingering around every corner. there are reminders of what and/or who i failed, my successes, my triumphs, my mediocrity. it's almost unbearable. it's almost not enough.
i have made it my personal mission in life (rather unknowingly even to myself) to make an impact. i am reminded of this, too, with texts from 65 year old clients. "my dear lindsey, i hope life is treating you well. i sure do miss our training sessions together. merry christmas and best of luck to you in this new year. love you dearly." i am reminded of this with calls from 14 year olds who call me sister, with the cards i still receive from someone who will always be a beautifully innocent bald little boy in my memory.
maybe this is at the core of my decision to join the military- and maybe even more of the reason i want more. why i feel like i should be doing so much more. who else can i impact? whose life can i change? who will let me sacrifice it all for their happiness?
seems appropriate that even now, years after you asked, and in a completely different context, i still don't know when to stop.
or more appropriately, how to.
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| it didn't hit me until monday morning at 0405 how differently i love both of you. what a terrible time of morning to come to that realization, but so it was.
at only 21 years old, i am certain that there will never be anybody in my life that will ever amount to what each of you have given me. every dynamic. every moment. every memory. at 21, i have plenty of years to fill with people. relationships that don't mean anything. friendships that come and go. if nothing else, the military has perfected my already flawless goodbye.
through these years, we always pick up exactly where we left off- like the months of silence between us meant nothing, like the warring words we once threw at each other were never spoken. and i am thankful for that. through these years, you and i have been everything that sappy novels are made of- best friends, lovers, enemies, and full circle back to best friends. each of you has stood by me at the hardest moments in my life- stood by me for every appointment and stood by me when the most important person in my life slipped from my fingers.
each of you knows me differently but each of you knows me entirely. how strange is that?
with quiet eyes, she looked at me tuesday and said "it's never the same once you leave and come back. never the same." i shook my head and smiled. "no, it's not." what a great thing life can be.
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